Monthly Archives: February 2016

Awareness, Journal / Gripes, Motivational / Inspirational

Green With Envy

It begins early in our lives. Someone else has a better toy on the playground, a cute puppy in the park, or a bigger house with more. More is relative; money, material items, luck, fancy vacations with pictures of laughing families in exotic locales. As we age, the envy of toys and birthday parties with ponies and magic shows is replaced with a longing for and an envy of other’s professions, success, fitness, body image, and more. This envy can wreak havoc on our lives. It destroys the simple pleasures that come with creative thought and artistic outlets.

Envy by definition is a feeling of [resentful] longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities or luck. It is a feeling of admiring discontent, and the innate desire to have for oneself what is possessed by others. Its origin is Latin, the word “invidere” – literally to see into – and meaning to eye maliciously or begrudge.

As a writer (and a woman) I tend to magnify my own shortcomings. I never feel accomplished enough, smart enough, pretty enough. As a member of the female race, I can say honestly, that we as a whole have many insecurities. Women have been shamed by society to breed low self esteem and self worth. Even with the advent of women’s rights and the surge of successful, beautiful women in the public eye, we are made to be overly self conscious. As a woman and a writer, where feedback is often slow to come, or comes only from friends and family who would not tell you if your work was horrid, there is always a kernel of self doubt that we are not talented enough. How many works need to be published, how many times must we envy those authors who are so prolific they have novels and blogs and articles all over the mainstream media, yet still have time for local interviews about how they spend quality time with their families. There comes to be a very fine line here between admiration, envy and jealousy.

Jealousy is a powerful feeling of resentment over something lost, or perceived as lost. It is that gut feeling, the green eyed monster within,screaming at us that those other people got what we truly deserve. We are no longer fans, admirers of the authors we so like to read and wish to emulate, but are now envious. Envious as in the definition from Middle English, where it borders on hostile emotions and enmity. Envy is ugly. It rears its green eyes and horrible words in unhappy resentful feelings because someone else, who has also worked hard, possesses that which we want for ourselves.

So back to that fine line between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is all about loss. It’s is a hurt and angry reaction to feeling of betrayal, imagined or otherwise. Envy has no anger, just a longing for what could be yours. Envy is simply story. It’s something we tell ourselves about another person’s life without having all the details. What we believe to be truth, may be only our perception. This is a red flag, since coveting another’s success may come with terrible ramifications that we know nothing about. Envy can be like poison – wanting so much another’s success, yet without the struggle to reach that achievement.

On the other hand, there are some positive traits to being envious. Covetousness may not be such a bad thing. Benign envy can be motivational. It helps us to use the cravings and desires we seek from the other person(s) to push ourselves beyond our comfort zones. It raises our achievements because when we see someone who is like us, either in creative spirit, social stature, or that we admire for their work and character, we become hopeful for our own success. It brings out a more creative side to out work, and boosts self esteem. As a writer, it serves to boost our self evaluation of our work. We critique, edit and revise, often based on what we have seen other authors produce successfully. When we listen to our envious feeling, it serves to teach us. We allow the arrogant and wayward cravings to speak to our minds. If we listen carefully, we can guide ourselves to subtly reach our goals and desires for achievement.  Envy helps to focus our direction. We need to ask ourselves why we aren’t in the same game as the one we are admiring. What stopped us from pursuing our goals, and how can we get back on track to be successful.

The bottom line, is that envy, not jealousy, as long as it is not destructive, is not so bad after all. It is natural to compare ourselves and our lot in life to others we are exposed to, especially those who are doing better than we are. Everyone wants to have “toys” and luxury vacations, and it may very well be possible. We can use those we envy to further our own goals, and to reach for our own successes, by emulating the positive aspects they share publicly. Just remember to cage that green eyed monster.

Awareness, Motivational / Inspirational, Tips for writers

How Writer’s Block and the Jabberwocky Can Help You Live A Better Life

It’s a nightmare. The blank page in my notebook, the too white screen on the computer – taunting me. I’ve lost all focus and now I’m falling. I’m tumbling through the proverbial darkness, odd glimpses of no consequence from within the bright flashes of dimly lit corridors.I am searching for that blasted Rabbit, hoping and praying that I’m not the one who’s late to the party this time. I’m hoping the creature hasn’t gotten to him as well.

Landing shakily, I spy not the fabled potion that touts “DRINK ME,” but sheaves of blank paper; above them the words dilate in spots, as if I’ve stared too long into the sun, “JUST WRITE.” But alas, there is not writing instrument anywhere. Constantly pursuing that ultimate idea, the one that captures your interest, that captivates me as author and you as my reader. It’s right here, just beyond my grasp …writer’s block.

How can I hope to move forward if all the wondrous ideas have abandoned my waking consciousness. Perhaps I should be penning things at 3:00 am, when the words come rushing through my mind uncontrolled. Pages and tomes fill my mind – ideas so clever that disintegrate with the click of the alarm or the slow, pale light that comes with each new morning. I had a great vision for this post. It sparkled with wit, great humor and depth. Now all I can see is white rabbits in waistcoats and freakish nightmare creatures. Perhaps I should be writing about Wonderland. After all, for creative writing there can be no better place for fodder. Talking flowers and cards, tea parties and over sized Weebles. Yes, Weebles (they wobble but they don’t fall down). My mind is a jumble of trivial information. But back to Wonderland. For as long as I can remember, this has been my favorite classic tale. My mother read it to me pages at a time until I was old enough to consume the delectable words on my own. I was terrified of that looking glass. Of the monster within- the Jabberwocky.

Known in literary circles for his nonsensical verse and terrifying habits, the Jabberwocky actually maintains a balance between the real world and the dream world. On the surface of the mirror, I see myself. The same one you see when you pass me in the street or at the market. A mere reflection of my ambitions, fears, dreams and desires. Perhaps that odd, scary creature lives not only through the looking glass, but within us all. We all live with what frightens us the most. Perhaps the Jabberwocky is the epitome of all our fears. It is the summation of all the nonsensical, whimsical thoughts, as in the original poem’s verse, which drives us to success or keeps us terrified, rooted to the present dilemmas we find ourselves in.

“It seems very pretty,” she said when she had finished it, “but it’s rather hard to understand!” (You see she didn’t like to confess even to herself, that she couldn’t make it out at all.) “Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas–only I don’t exactly know what they are! ” – Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass.

Now that I’ve seemingly penned this post, I must give credit to my nightmarish friend. The original poem has an underlying theme that shows anyone (everyone) can do incredible and amazing things. It’s about being brave, like the boy who eventually slays the creature. It is about making things better. In Alice in Wonderland, the White Queen tells Alice that she cannot live her life to always please others because when she faces the creature, the Jabberwocky, she will step out alone. We all step out alone. To live a better life, I am going to follow the Queen’s advice. No longer shall I cave to the dreams and demands of others, I shall follow my own path. Unlike Wonderland and it’s curiosities, there is nothing wrong with the mundane daily existence that we live. The secret is to own it, (it being everything), tell the truth, even if it makes you cry – or even better, laugh. Alice has to wander Wonderland to find her reality. We are already real.

So hello Jabberwocky! I see you. I’m still scared of you, but I am braver now. I shall beat you bit by bit and live my life the way I need to live. It will be a better life. I’ll see you tomorrow morning…in the looking glass.

Awareness, Motivational / Inspirational

Reflective Footsteps

“One thing: you have to walk, and create the way by your walking; you will not find a ready-made path … You will have to create the path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made, lying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the birds fly, but they don’t leave any footprints. You cannot follow them; there are no footprints left behind.”
– Osho

Perhaps the most difficult task I have each day is understanding my own mind. Thoughts and dreams collect in all the crevices, but it is sometimes difficult to pin them down. Before I decided to follow the new path I was taking, to be a writer, I never really paid full attention to anything in my mind. It was a jumble of shopping lists, forms to fill out, errands to run, dreams, someone needing help, or what to make for dinner. All at once. I learned to file everything and make mental lists that I either halfway finished or forgot about, until three o’clock in the morning. I like to say that I am organized in my disorganization. I moved through my days pretty much on autopilot. These days, that still happens, but hopefully less and less over time. I am learning to understand myself, and to know that I can make choices with all the information and to do lists. I am understanding myself better each day, as I break free from the rock under which I situated myself. I have more flexibility and freedom. And that makes the difference.

Somehow, I ended up on a weekly mailing from a meditation and yoga website. I hate yoga. I have tried it multiple times, only to feel bored. I mean, I am not physically flexible like a Cirque De Soleil contortionist, and who can stay in one position for that long? I don’t think I can stay in one position for more than a short while even when I’m asleep (but that’s another blog post) Anyway, an article about meditating for better habits caught my attention. I clicked through to the site, already dismissing this as new age baloney, however, the article grabbed me. Accompanying a short blurb, is an 18 minute video of sunrises and peaceful pastoral scenes. And this voice. Whoever this woman is needs to come and just speak softly in the background of my house whenever we are stressed out. I’m not saying I am hooked, as I have only listened once, even closing my eyes and breathing as she subliminally suggests. I sat in the quiet aftermath of carpool, with a coffee at hand, and hit play. After about 3-4 minutes, I found myself listening for the sounds of the video, and nearly hypnotized, mesmerized by her voice. I honestly felt peaceful, focused and attentive to her words, though for the life of me, I cannot tell you what she said. I’m still a beginner.

Meditation makes me think of Buddhist monks or new-age folk sitting in darkened spaces, candles or incense burning, “Ohms” resounding off the walls. But I am finding, as I learn about the practice and myself, that meditation is none of these things; it is not about religion or spirituality, but about being comfortable in your own mind, in your own skin. I believe it is about being aware of your feelings and wayward thoughts, about finding your personal place in the world. I’m finding it teaches me to appreciate every moment for exactly what it is, a moment – fleeting and quick, so I need to capture the essence for myself. Sort of a happiness barometer – it helps me approach the day with a more positive, can-do attitude.

In my first foray into meditative practices, I found that there is such a thing called “walking meditation.” It is simply the act of walking while being aware of each step, and every breath. If this is the case, I have been meditating almost all my life. From wooded walks in Wroxton to dog walks, to a stop to stretch my legs at the park … No wonder I always feel ready to take on the planet when I return. I am calmer, more resilient to stress (at least for the first few minutes- teenagers will upset any balance), and I am less distracted. I am learning to let things flow past, to be calmer, so it helps my interpersonal interactions and my mental clarity.

I spent the last couple of mornings realizing that even without soothing sounds and suggestive words, that I meditate every day, just not consciously. The morning dog walk serves a higher purpose. In the darkness, there is only me, the dog and the few remaining stars. Closer to the end of the walk the early morning drivers and joggers start to appear, but I digress. In my solitude, I think about what is important. I am enjoying the cool morning air, breathing deeply and truly not worrying that I’m doing anything wrong. My mind wanders, and that’s alright, but I seem to be able to find a way out there to focus. Perhaps it’s the steady tapping of my sneakers on the pavement, but it serves like the breathing techniques I read about for meditation. I can come back when I wander. I always thought meditation was about stopping all thoughts, and clearing your mind, but perhaps the real goal, is to focus our attention. My brain is like a factory spitting out steam puffs of ideas all day; it would be foolish to shut it down. I think the goal of the meditation, in my case the walk, is to appreciate the right now so you can focus.

Perhaps we all need a daily time out to reacquaint ourselves with who we are. It is just after my walks that ideas flood my mind, lists are organized and I feel ready to tackle the day. I am realizing that within my own mind lies the true desires of my heart, and that relates to my personal happiness. I have learned, and often while I’m out there walking alone, that in order to be successful I need to be happy. To be happy, I need to accept the positive things about the situations in my life. I list in my mind with each footstep what makes me happy, fulfilled.  My instructor, summing up the course, said that our dreams are but a vision, and we must first envision ourselves in our dream for it to be reality.
Awareness, Motivational / Inspirational

Change Your Place, Change Your Luck

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This saying comes from the Jewish Talmud. Many times, when things aren’t going our way, we look to our spiritual advisers for advice, and they often share these words. So people move. They pack up their belongings, uproot their lives, and begin again in a new city. A new job, new school, new social groups. Sometimes they keep a link to the past, sometimes they just move on. But they often find themselves back in that bad place before long, looking for the magical change.

What if this is not what the rabbi or priest or other adviser had in mind? Perhaps it isn’t all about your locale. I have been musing about this for the past few days, and I believe it’s about changing the space in your head. Your mind is a powerful place, perhaps it needs a time out. From a short break from work, or a quick walk to clear the proverbial cobwebs; it’s not about the move, but the moving. The other day, I was trying desperately to write, but to no avail. In the time it took me to refill my coffee, something in my head told me to sit outside on the balcony. With that simple move, some fresh air and of course caffeine, In just a few minutes, my pen was moving at a speed I could hardly keep up. (yes,I still like to do it old school before hitting the keyboard) Some days, this is just not enough, and I need to move myself further away; a walk, a drive, something to change my perspective and clear my thoughts.

We all need to put some of the “stuff” floating around inside our heads into storage. It’s all about inner reflection and changing your outlook. It’s like the old En Vogue song lyrics…”Free your mind, the rest will follow…” We need to change our place in our heads, in the universe. Step outside ourselves and focus on a different angle. Sometimes a new spin on an old outlook will change us for the better. Which leads me to the luck part of the saying:
What is luck anyway? By definition, (dictionary.com) luck is:

  •  the force that seems to operate for good or ill in a person’s life , as shaping events, circumstances, or opportunities
  • good fortune; advantage or success, considered as the result of chance
  •  a combination of circumstances or events, etc. operating by chance to bring good or ill to a person

So just what is luck anyway? Is it the draw of the cards? How much money you have? Your health? Success?

I believe it is a combination of all of these but that none of these are possible without being the change in yourself. You can’t blame your lack of success on the place where you live. It’s all about attitude. Successful people are positive people. People who believe in themselves, in their ability to manipulate their circumstances into positive experiences. Nobody likes a Negative Nancy.  Successful people are able to be objective. They don’t allow bad experiences to constantly bring them down. They let go of the past, rising to each new day with optimism.  They move. They are decisive and know what they ultimately want to achieve, and they leave room for many moves over a lifetime..

My husband tells me that the saying, “change your place, change your luck,” comes from having to leave your demons. So I am moving. No forwarding address. Farewell to anxiety, procrastination (because if not now, when), negativity and stagnation. Stay behind in your duct taped boxes. I’m moving out and on – metaphorically, of course.

Bottom line, if things aren’t going your way, call the movers. Have them box up all those doubts, all the angst and move them into storage. Change your place. Move to the happy, positive corner of the block and be open. Luck will find you. And your luck, by the way, is simply in the ability to wake up every morning and reach for those goals and dreams. It’s all about personal growth. It’s about freedom, choices and finding or making your own new luck. You can do this!